Turning Toward vs. Turning Away: Gottman’s Guide to Emotional Connection in Couples

The Power of Connection: Understanding Gottman’s “Bids for Attention” in Relationships

Have you ever tried to get your partner’s attention with a simple smile, a touch, or a question, only to feel ignored? In relationships, these small gestures—called “bids”—carry enormous weight. Renowned relationship researcher John Gottman identifies bids as the building blocks of emotional connection, the little ways partners reach out to each other to share moments, seek support, or express care.

What Are Bids?
A bid is any attempt to connect with your partner, whether verbal or non-verbal. It can be as simple as saying, “Look at this funny thing that happened today”, or reaching for a hand to squeeze. Gottman found that how partners respond to bids—by turning toward, turning away, or turning against—directly impacts the health and longevity of the relationship.

Turning Toward vs. Turning Away

• Turning toward: This is when a partner responds positively to a bid, even in small ways. A smile, a comment, or a hug counts. Consistently turning toward bids strengthens trust, intimacy, and emotional safety.

• Turning away: Ignoring or dismissing a bid can erode closeness over time. Repeatedly turning away may lead to feelings of rejection, disconnection, and resentment. Couples who consistently experience unresponded bids often report feeling “invisible” or emotionally isolated.

• Turning against: Responding with criticism, sarcasm, or negativity can escalate conflict and harm the connection.

Research Findings on Bids
Gottman and his colleagues have conducted extensive research on bids for connection. In one study, they found that couples who remained married turned toward each other’s bids 86% of the time, while couples who divorced turned toward each other’s bids only 33% of the time (Gottman & Silver, 1999). This highlights the significance of consistently turning toward bids in maintaining a healthy relationship. Furthermore, research indicates that couples who respond positively to bids build a stronger emotional "bank account," fostering trust and resilience in the relationship (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Why Not All Bids Are Met—and That’s Okay
It’s important to remember that no one can meet every bid all the time. Life stress, fatigue, and personal challenges can make it hard to always respond. Not having every bid met doesn’t mean the relationship is failing—it simply reflects human limitations. What matters is the overall pattern: partners who generally turn toward each other’s bids build stronger, more resilient connections.

Real-Life Examples from Reddit

• Example 1: Turning Toward a Bid
  In a post on r/AskWomenOver30, a user shared how they always try to show interest in their partner's hobbies and ask about the things that excite him. They mentioned that their partner doesn't reciprocate the same level of interest, leading to feelings of hurt and disconnection. (reddit.com